Looking for love in the time of quarantine? (#26)
Looking for love in the time of quarantine? Are you single and ready to socially-distantly mingle? Perhaps you are...struggling with heightened feelings of loneliness, lack of control, and don’t even know how to put it all into words? Well, we’re here to auction off some support and actions to take in this unprecedented turn of events. Although you might be feeling lonely (which is totally and completely understandable), you are not alone, and it is okay that #wearenotokay.
Loneliness did not just spring up overnight with COVID-19. Back in January of 2019, the US Department of Health and Human Services actually released a webinar talking about the epidemic of loneliness, stating that it had not only become more dangerous for our health than obesity, but also was worse than smoking 15 cigarettes a day (looking at you Juul-bbs). The older we get, the more at risk we become for social isolation, and the further we delve into this pandemic, the more acutely we feel the desire for connection, simply stemming from a hope for normalcy.
With most of the world now engaged in active lockdown/shelter-in-place, it appears that single folks have now become contestants on a global screening of Love is Blind, with the caveat of “look but don’t touch.” Zoom/Skype/FaceTime interactions that were previously staples of long-distance relationships are the new frontier for first dates, with some expectation that there will be an emotional connection before risking a physical one (please stay at home).
When the combined pressure of isolation, new routines, and uncertainty about the future feels overwhelming, here are some questions to ponder in this brave new landscape of dating.
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Q: Is this intimacy even real? → The whole world is going through a traumatic experience together, and shared trauma can create an illusion of divine compatibility. Known as “unit cohesion” in the military, unfortunately the increased success of missions on the battlefield does not improve one’s mental health or PTSD response once the danger has passed. To quote Arah Iloabugichukwu, “let’s not confuse our ability to hurt the same with our capacity to love properly.” What do you appreciate about your existing support system? When you can pinpoint the thoughts and feelings associated with authentic intimacy, use that as a check-in for your relationships-in-progress. Anchoring yourself to pre-existing healthy connections can help clear some of the fog brought on by social distancing and provide a perspective that aligns with your own value system.
Q: What is causing the most discomfort in my life? → How has the past month been for you? Sometimes actions that were previously amazing for self-care can become detrimental in difficult times. Or, you might have found yourself ticking all of the activity boxes for dating and still feeling empty and dissatisfied. As painful as this might be to hear, if you don’t know what you’re lacking, no amount of putting yourself out there is going to offer a solution. We are accountable for recognizing our own needs and the effectiveness of our actions. If you’re feeling a little lost and backed into a corner, please do not despair. Locate your needs and come up with different options to ride out the wave of discomfort. There is always more than one way through.
Q: Am I reacting or responding? → Everyone handles stressful circumstances differently. Some people turn into productivity machines while others lose the motivation to even roll out of bed. Reactions happen in the moment, mostly bypassing our prefrontal cortex (logical, thinking part of the brain) to get rid of whatever is making us uncomfortable, while responses engage all of the information available from our body and mind to seek resolution. In those moments of confusion, lust, and hazy swipes, remember that if you’re constantly looking for someone else to validate your experience, it’s never going to be enough. Mindlessly jumping from person to person is very different from self-aware casual sex. Allow yourself the time, space, and personal investment to understand where you are coming from, so that you’re able to maintain your integrity instead of getting swept away by the tides of immediate gratification.
In this time of grief and growth, we are trying and learning how to adapt to the situation at hand. We are given the opportunity to creatively connect beyond our old limitations, and this experience may never happen again in our lifetimes. No matter what the world looks like past COVID-19, the most important relationship that you cultivate will always be the one with yourself.