SEX! Let’s talk about it (#27)

5 Minute Read

Sex is one of those ubiquitous topics that never loses its allure. Whether shouted about in liberation from the rooftops or whispered over taboo conversations, humankind has always reserved special interest for the process that preserves the species. There is some misconception that sexual development is spontaneous and arbitrary, but what we know from research is that our personal preferences in the sexual arena are shaped through our environments of arousal. If a person is surrounded by lemon trees and the scent of lemons during moments of sexual arousal, by virtue of conditioning, they will learn to associate lemons with being turned on and excited. Similarly, if this person experiences sexual frustration every time they wear a scarf, having a scarf in the bedroom could contribute to heightened inhibitions. 

In Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are, she unpacks the dual control model of sexual response, noting that our sexual experience houses a sexual excitement system that contains all of our turn ons, similar to a car accelerator, and a sexual inhibition system that contains all of our turn offs, just like car brakes. The process of becoming and maintaining sexual arousal has just as much to do with easing up on the brakes as it does with hitting all the notes on the accelerator. What feels good for someone else might not be the same as what feels good for you, and turn offs can be the result of trauma history, anxieties, or even physical stressors (like fatigue or injuries). 

We invite you to take some time with your partner(s) or even just by yourself to utilize the following worksheet and reflect on items that activate your turn ons, as well as concerns that press on your brakes. Maybe you are a person with high accelerators and low brakes, where all it takes to get you in the mood is a gust of comfortable wind, and the only thing that would kill your vibe is being in a food coma. 

High Accelerator/Low Brakes

Readily aroused and can maintain arousal fairly easily. Can go from 0-100 in a matter of moments, typically viewed as a “high libido” person.

High Accelerator/High Brakes

Readily aroused but might have some difficulty maintaining arousal without specific circumstances. Creating an environment that eliminates potential brakes will be helpful.

Low Accelerator/Low Brakes

Slow to arousal, possibly never experiences spontaneous desire (which is totally okay!) and tends to respond instead of initiate. Once arousal is achieved, it is easily sustained.

Low Accelerator/High Brakes

Slow to arousal and has difficulty maintaining arousal. Commonly seen as “low libido,” it will be important to identify specific ways to create a comfortable environment for play!

Sexuality and desire can be a challenging subject, especially when there has been hurt or painful messages associated, so please be gentle with the process. Enlist mental health support and emotional support to help you stay strong in the face of triggers and hard feelings. Don’t yuck someone’s yum and have fun!