Grief Dual Process Model (#25)
5 Minute Read
This quarantine has got me feeling all types of ways. I find myself fluctuating between anxiety and exhaustion, while nursing a glass of guilt considering all the ways that I am privileged to still have a job, still have a roof over my head, and still have the means to connect with the people I love. The first blow of grief hit the weekend of March 21, when I had originally planned to visit my partner who lives two States away. Sitting on the other end of FaceTime and hearing his concerns about me traveling was difficult, then the full impact of uncertainty lingered into the weeks beyond. As many students mourn the loss of prom and graduation, families struggle with the stress of layoffs, and people all around the world grieve for those affected by the virus, perhaps the dual-process model of grief can offer some tools for coping. Even if all we can do is just get by, that is perfectly enough.
In 1995, Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schrut presented the dual process model of grief to fill in the gaps created by the more commonly utilized stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). They described the grieving process as an oscillation between loss-oriented activities and restoration-oriented activities, or in emotional terms, alternating between avoiding the loss and confronting it. Oftentimes it might seem like we are “supposed” to get the grieving process over with and “move on” in some way, but Stroebe and Schrut argued that the messiness of denial, recovery, suppression, and renewal are actually healthy components to grief.
The ways that I act out of loss and restoration are going to look different from yours. I have included my own grieving process below and invite you to reflect on your own. As so many great therapists have already said, please be gentle with yourself and others. If you are carrying the anxiety of not knowing when you’ll be able to physically be with your partner again, you are not alone. It is okay to have bouts of crying, sleep in, and do nothing while also playing Animal Crossing, FaceTiming, and crossing items off the to-do list. Amidst my ongoing fear of bringing germs home to my family as I continue working in residential mental healthcare, I hope to also utilize my paycheck privilege to support others in need. Perhaps by examining your own patterns of coping, you can give yourself more grace throughout the moments of grief; after all, it is a dynamic process that grows with you.
Loss-Oriented Activities = Activities related to sitting in the pain, avoiding change, being consumed by the loss/stress/grief/discomfort
Restoration-Oriented Activities= Activities related to substituting the pain with joy/contentment/nourishment/comfort, confronting the absence with new experiences
Shannon’s Loss-Oriented Activities
Crying
Sleeping in
Procrastinating
Getting into unnecessary arguments with my partner because I feel overwhelmed but don’t know how to express myself
Doing yoga because I am in physical pain from all of the stress and tension
Avoiding doing work on the weekends even though I am extremely behind
Deep breathing
Shannon’s Restoration-Oriented Activities
Talking to friends
Going for a walk
Taking online dance classes
Cleaning out my inbox
Paying bills and organizing my finances
Prayer and working on strengthening my spirituality
Drinking water and staying hydrated
Allowing myself to be however I am at that given moment, instead of “shoulds and should nots”
Here’s to an unknown new normal and the continued resilience of humanity. Please remember that your worth is never measured by your productivity.