The Therapist’s Guide to Maximum Red Envelopes (#15)

15 Minute Read

Happy Lunar New Year! You’ve heard of the Rice Purity Test, and maybe even know your 23 and Me DNA percentage of Asianess, but in honor of the new year, we have created the DEFINITIVE (read: total bs) quiz to assess your red envelope worth. Take off your shoes and have a seat at the kid’s table to see how much you’re walking away with tonight (after mom takes her cut of course).

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Directions

15 questions in total. After reading each question select only 1 of the 4 options. Keep a record of how much money you have accumulated after answering all 15. If the options aren’t entirely accurate for your situation, choose the one that best resembles where you’re at. Comment your results below! #yearoftherat

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Categories

Finances

• Do you have a Retirement Account?

1. What’s that? (1 red envelope with $5 to get you started)

2. Um, I have a checking account with direct deposit. ($50 red envelope)

3. Working on it. My job gives me a 401K. ($75 red envelope)

4. Hell yeah. Roth IRA and savings account with high interest. (Aiya, you don’t need to give me hongbao lah.)

• Are you financially independent?

1. I am forever indebted to the Bank of Mom and Dad. (1 red envelope with a constant reminder of feeling guilty)

2. I have a job. I pay my bills. I have my own health insurance. ($20 red envelope) 

3. Almost done paying off my student loans and I am getting ready for a down payment on a house ($100 red envelope)

4. On my own and I give my parents a little something-something every month (Gives parents $500 red envelope) 

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Romantic Relationships

• What’s your relationship status?

1. None of your business. ($1 red envelope and a proud moment for your parents to acknowledge your emotional distance)

2. Dating a doctor/lawyer/engineer. (Partner gives parents $88 red envelope)

3. Committed to an ASIAN doctor/lawyer/engineer. (Partner gets invited to New Year’s Eve dinner) 

4. Married to Jack Ma. Will settle for Mark Zuckerberg. (You should probably make it rain red envelopes for your family) 

• How does your family feel about your partner?

1. Don’t ask don’t tell. ($1 red envelope for avoiding the situation at all costs) 

2. My mom doesn’t think they’re tall/rich/good-looking/successful enough. ($20 red envelope and resignation that even Gemma Chan and Jay Chou will not be good enough) 

3. My partner did not make a fool of themselves when they met the family. ($100 red envelope) 

4. My parents asked if my partner was coming for dinner. ($120 red envelope with your mouth open in shocked disbelief)

• What did your partner bring the first time they visited your family?

1. Never happened ($10 red envelope with stress free living)

2. Bottle of cheap wine. (Embarrassed $20 red envelope)

3. Box of vetted (SWEET) pears or apples from the Korean market ($50 red envelope and getting to eat said fruit)

4. Upscale ginseng or chicken essence from a bougie brand ($50 red envelope and a totally obvious question about when are you having kids)

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Education

• Did you graduate college?

1. Does community college count? ($20 red envelope from grandma)

2. State school. ($50 red envelope upon graduation)

3. Top tier public school (UC Berkeley, UCLA, University of Michigan, University of North Carolina - Chapel Hill) ($50 red envelope every year for four years, bonus if you graduate early)

4. Farmers in China know about them (Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Stanford, etc.) ($100 in a fancy gilded red envelope)

• Did you go to graduate school?

1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...oh you’re serious. (1 red envelope filled with university brochures)

2. I have a master’s in a humanities degree. ($20 reluctant red envelope)

3. My graduate degree has significantly boosted my pay-grade. (Gives parents $100 red envelope)

4. Because I went to graduate school, my parents can now brag “my kid went to XXXX university!” instead of talking about my state school undergrad degree. (Hands out $20 red envelopes at the family dinner to all the little cousins)

• Are you a doctor?

1. No, but I know the way to your heart ;) (1 red envelope stuffed with shame)

2. I have an Ed.D/D.M.A./Psy.D/D.O. ($100 red envelope)

3. I mean, a Juris Doctor is a doctor ($100 red envelope and people asking you for legal advice all the time)

4. M.D./PhD Bruh ($100 red envelope and all the shrimp is peeled for you)

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Career

• Doctor, lawyer, engineer?

1. You know, I pursued my passions ($20 red envelope)

2. The switch (I was pre-med in college but switched to something so I could graduate with my self-esteem still intact) ($30 red envelope)

3. Working as an engineer at Google/Microsoft/Apple was my first job out of college ($100 red envelope and gives parents $500 red envelope)

4. I own my own law firm/hospital/consulting agency (All of your red envelopes bear your company logo)

• Hobbies 

1. Getting Boba, collects things, arcade ($5 red envelope)

2. Computer Games (League of Legends), Karaoke, napping ($20 red envelope)

3. Online shopping, working on side projects, eats out 5 days out of the week ($20 red envelope that is used on Amazon within 10 minutes)

4. Traveling, spa days, being a pet owner ($50 red envelope for your dog)

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Material Success

• Clothing 

1. Wal-Mart, Pay-less, Thrift-stores ($20 red envelope)

2. Urban Outfitters, TopShop, UNIQLO ($30 red envelope)

3. Nordstrom, Supreme, Burberry ($50 red envelope and gifts for family overseas)

4. Hermes, Gucci, Balenciaga ($100 red envelope because you got your mom a nice bag)

• Cars

1. Asian car starter pack (Toyota, Nissan, Honda) ($20 red envelope)

2. Asian car upgrade pack (Lexus, Acura, Infiniti) ($50 red envelope)

3. European excellence (BMW, Mercedes, Audi) ($100 red envelope)

4. People take pictures with my car (Ferrari, Lamborghini, Bugatti) ($100 red envelope and 40% of your Instagram feed)

• Housing 

1. I still live at home for free (What red envelope?)

2. I pay rent to somebody...who could also be my parents (Gives rent in red envelope)

3. I have my own apartment (Gives self red envelope)

4. I own a house with a yard and we’re building a swimming pool (Gives the IRS red envelope)

• Food 

1. Wonton Soup, Ramen, Pho ($20 red envelope to pay for dinner) 

2. Dim-Sum, Hot Pot, Buffet (AYCE) ($50 red envelope)

3. Fancy KBBQ, Omakase Sushi, Din Tai Fung ($50 red envelope and the bill)

4. At least two Michelin stars or it’s not worth it ($100 red envelope and parents saying they can make it better at home)

• Cooking Skills

1. I can boil water and make instant noodles ($10 red envelope)

2. Tomatoes and fried eggs are my specialty ($20 red envelope and requests for less salt)

3. I can make a meal from whatever is in the fridge ($30 red envelope for groceries)

4. Rice, complicated soup, variety of small dishes, and a not-too-sweet dessert ($50 red envelope and a compliment from grandma)

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We wrote out this quiz in good fun, but the reality is that many of us (and our families) tend to define our worth based on these arbitrary conditions. There is an invisible pressure from our culture, community, and core beliefs to not only be our personal best at all times, but also somehow be happy, fulfilled, and grateful. Whether you walked away with all of the hongbaos or are still struggling to find your balance within the family, please remember that you have inherent worth. You are valued, cherished, and appreciated, REGARDLESS of the accolades that you accumulate in life. In respectful and devastated memory of Kobe Bryant, “We all have self doubt. You don’t deny it, but you also don’t capitulate to it. You embrace it.” For this new year of the rat, let us embrace the imperfections that make us human, and remember that we are not promised tomorrow. In the here and now and with a heavy heart, celebrate you as you are. #24 #8 #mambamentality