8 Minute Read

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner! Whether you are happily in committed non-monogamy or forever alone, we have some green flags for multicultural relationships based on the reactions to our previous post. In case you’re like “who are these kids?!?!?!,” we are two Asian American marriage and family therapists based in California. In between our different jobs, we collaborate on pieces that seek to explore the cultural framework of what it looks like to be Asian in America, while also making mental health resources a little bit more accessible (and a little less stigmatized). Feel free to reach out to either Kevin or Shannon for support! (Or if you’re not a fan of our writing, let us know. We appreciate feedback.)

1. Demonstrating trust in the small moments

Let’s face it: whenever two (or more) people decide to get together romantically, there is going to be a difference in one’s family culture even if you share the same ethnic background. Some of these differences can be even more heightened when you are in a multicultural relationship. Trying to learn your partner’s family’s language and adapting their customs are all great gestures, but the research makes it evident that trust is built in the small moments. For example, let’s say you are super comfortable and about to fall asleep with DisguisedToast, Scarra, or Imaqtpie’s highlight videos while your partner is studying or doing work. Right as you are about to drift off, you hear them sigh loudly in frustration. That is a moment of choice. You can choose to crawl out of bed and see what’s wrong, or you could choose to simply roll over and pretend that you are already out. The choice to engage is one that further establishes trust, while the choice to ignore can create a small tear of betrayal. So see if your partner is attentive to habits that you did not even know were a cultural thing. See if your partner shows respect towards the nuanced ways that you navigate the world around you (especially as a minority). Being able to depend on your partner in the small moments builds that much more confidence for the challenging times to come.

2. Set your partner up for success!

Meeting the family can be a really stressful event, especially if you are unsure about how they might react to someone who looks and sounds completely different to them. If you are the one bringing home a “foreigner,” it can be equally worrisome about whether or not they will be accepted. Family gatherings aside, there are plenty of moments in your shared experience as a unit where one person will be the expert while the other person is completely clueless. In those instances, does your partner set you up for success, or do they let you flounder around on your own? Do you teach your partner in advance to take their shoes off at the door, or do you let them just clomp around while everyone gives them a dirty look? While it is important to allow each other space to be individuals, a little effort goes a long way, even if it is not executed perfectly. Your partner’s desire to see you succeed demonstrates commitment towards mutual growth, which is so valuable even if the relationship does not last. You deserve to be with someone that celebrates your triumphs and not just their own.

3. Dedication to creating a shared culture

At the end of the day, no matter what walks of life you and your partner come from, are they willing to co-create a new relationship culture with you? Alternatively, are you willing to co-create a new relationship culture that might look very different from the one you were raised in? Whether it is navigating finances, determining which holidays to celebrate, or establishing creative love languages, the commitment to shaping an environment with unique quirks that make it feel like home is significant. It can be very easy to get lost in the pressure to satisfy each other’s families and friend circles, or even pay homage to one another’s cultural expectations, but if the relationship is not happy, no amount of external validation is going to keep it together.

Multicultural relationships can be a beautiful symphony of voices blending together in an incredible harmony if both parties are willing to lean in during moments of cultural differences. It is crazy to think that the United States Supreme Court only legalized interracial marriage 53 years ago. We live in an amazing time period where we can celebrate love in all of its representations, despite the backlash that may come from society, family, or even internalized prejudice. As February 14 approaches, we hope that you are surrounded by people who love you and have your best interests at heart. Love is love is love.

Green Flags in Multicultural Relationships (#17)